Why Is My Aging Loved One So Stubborn?

Why Is My Aging Loved One So Stubborn?

As your parent gets older, you might notice some personality changes that occur alongside physical changes. Perhaps your normally laidback father is now Type A, seeking control and routine at all times. Or, your happy-go-lucky and optimistic mom is now more pessimistic or glass-half-empty. These emotional changes and personality changes are normal, though they can be difficult to manage and adapt to.

Most family members, though, notice a significant trait in their aging loved one: stubbornness. In fact, a quick online search with the keywords “senior parents, stubborn” yields thousands of results. This means, of course, that if you notice your aging loved one digging in their heels more often than not, you are certainly not alone. 

In order to keep your frustrations low, it can be helpful to understand why your aging loved one might be stubborn in their later years. Here are some potential reasons, as well as possible solutions that can help the two of you communicate better.

Resistance to Change in Family Roles

Adult children might find their aging loved one stubborn because the loved one might not want to do what the adult children want them to do. This stubbornness can be rooted in a resistance to changing family roles, and for good reason.

For decades, your parent has been the one with life experience. They are the ones who have raised you, nurtured you, and given advice. As aging parents require a little more assistance, support, and supervision, adult children can end up providing that additional support. This can shift the family roles a bit, making adult children take on a caregiver role that used to be the role of the aging parent.

If your loved one isn’t listening to your advice or is being a bit stubborn in your interactions, it could be this role shift. They might feel angry, confused, or sad because they are no longer seen as the caregiver in your relationship.

If this shift in family roles is the reason you and your loved one are struggling to communicate, consider intentionally giving them time to be the caregiver. Ask for their advice and help with certain topics. Show that you value their wisdom and life experience. You will also appreciate that time, as you can return to being a daughter or son, instead of a primary caregiver.

Chronic Pain or Mobility Challenges

Stubbornness can sometimes be a side effect of chronic pain or mobility challenges. It is frustrating to require assistance with daily tasks and it is exhausting to be in pain for most of the day. These emotions can often be transferred onto family members, which means your loved one might be more argumentative or stubborn, even when you’re trying to help.

If your loved one experiences chronic pain or has had a decline in their mobility, they may appear to be more stubborn. Work with their physician to see if there are interventions that could lessen their pain or increase their mobility.

Worries About Money

Many older adults are worried about outliving their money. This anxiety can lead to them choosing to be more frugal in their spending, which can lead to family members feeling frustrated and worried. For example, your aging parent might choose to eat less because they want to save money. But you see this as detrimental to their health and you don’t understand why they just won’t buy a few more groceries each week.

Or, you might get angry at your father because he doesn’t run his air conditioning until it is 90 degrees outside. You see this as dangerous (and it can be!), and tell him to turn it on more often during the summer, but he doesn’t. You see this as stubborn while your dad sees it as a way to control his spending.

Money disagreements are at the center of many family discussions involving aging parents. You can make your discussions more productive if you come at it from a place of empathy, understanding that your loved one might be worried about outliving their assets, even if you believe they have plenty.

Loss of Independence

If you believe your loved one needs some support, such as a medical alert device or a visiting caregiver a few hours each week, and your loved one is resistant to that fact, they might not be stubborn. Instead, they might be grieving some of their abilities and independence.

In many cases, older adults recognize that they are not thriving in their situation. However, they are working so hard to maintain their current way of life and to not become a “burden” to their family members, that they might get stuck in their routines. This means they might not listen to you when you suggest they start using a cane or that they should stop driving at night. Instead, they are hearing you suggest that they take small parts of their independence away. 

The reality is that getting support on a few tasks each week can actually enhance independence, giving the senior more energy to use doing things they love. However, that can be a hard sell to someone who is clinging to their independence (which is a very valid response).

If your loved one is holding tight to their independence and refusing support, consider asking them if they would get that support for a few weeks on a trial basis. Then, during those weeks, encourage your loved one to note how they feel. Do they have more energy? Less stress? Pointing out those benefits can sometimes be the best way to ensure they keep the support.

Wrapping It Up

If your loved one is stubborn, it is likely just a trait that is caused by a variety of other emotions or situations. Do your best to determine why they are acting this way, and work on solving those root causes instead of getting angry during your time together. It’s hard, but a little perspective and empathy can go a long way. Good luck!